I have tried to write this post over and over again. I have started and stopped a dozen times, as what is in my head, won't come out and present itself into clear coherent thoughts. 

My baby is six months old and I still can't wrap my head around it. How has time gone by so fast?! 

It's as if someone has taken my post pregnancy self--the one that was innocently relishing in the smell of a newborn--and kicked her ahead six months. I'm dazed and in awe of the little man who sits in front of me. He sits up. He babbles. He smiles and flirts with anyone who will pay attention to him. He reaches for things. He knows who his daddy, mommy, and beloved puppies are. He. is. six. months. old. 

We are halfway to a year of being a family of three and I'm barely comprehending the fact that he is here and not still in my womb! 

Oh goodness. This mama is emotional just thinking about it! 

Daniel has been such a precious gift to us. There are times when I look at him and realize that what I feel for him, must be a minuscule sample of what God feels for us. The love. The awesome emotion that overwhelms and threatens to make your heart burst. How am I so deserving Lord? 

All I can say is that I'm trying to soak up every single moment with this boy. I feel as if I'm neglecting so many other things in my life at this time, but I can't help it. I want to spend every second I can with that smiling face. 

Thank you, thank you Lord. 

Things I'm Currently Loving

*So, the hubs has been working all sort of weird hours this week--I've mentioned this before. Anyways, I am finding that I have a lot of alone time at night. Instead of sleeping (which would be the logical thing to do), I find myself online trying to pass the time until he comes home. Hello midnight! This post is a result of said excess time online.*

clockwise from top left: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 

1.) I'm loving the 'wifey' shirt and so wish that they had it in my size! I like that it says something a bit different, but is a casual and cute t-shirt.

2.) I have been jonesing to get a haircut. I'm loving this short and simple cut that Chelsea Kane is sporting in this picture. Once I loose all my pre-baby weight, this is going to be my treat to myself. 

3.) Around Christmas time, I was ogling these beautiful calendars from Artifact Uprising. I thought that they would make a beautiful personalized gift for Daniel's grandmothers. Not only do you get to upload your own pictures, but the calendar also comes with a magnetized clipboard for use on a refrigerator! 

4) This chair is just plain awesome! While I like all the colors that it comes in, I think the grey color is my favorite. That being said, the teal is pretty sweet as well. 

5.) What's not to like about a happy mug to sip your coffee out of in the A.M.? I think it would help me officially convert to being a morning person. 

6.) The carpenter and I are slowly converting away from non-stick pans to ones that are healthier to cook in and don't run the risk of constantly being scratched. Anthropologie hit the nail on the head with these beautiful ceramic-coated white pans. I may have to snatch up a couple! (ha! I wish!)

A life that has never been mine.

In the silence of the early morning, I hear it. Daniel's coos echo through our bedroom and I'm suddenly wide awake. I don't move, but instead snuggle deeper into the warmth of our bed. Oh just go back to sleep, please! One more minute It's 5:45...don't you know that my alarm goes off at 6?! Why I long for (and act like I deserve) the sleep that I used to get when I didn't have a child, I don't know. But in my sinful humanness, there are moments when I struggle with this whole being a mom thing.

As I silently shuffle down the stairs, I try to give myself a pep talk. Ok, look at it this way. You have been wanting to be up at six so that you can sneak in your devotions and coffee before the house awakes. You know that you handle the day better after some time with God and a little caffeine boost. Feed him, put him back down, send up a prayer to God that he goes back to sleep, and just enjoy the quiet of the morning.  

I enter his room and goodness is he wide awake. Really, I have no reason to complain, he has slept for a long time. It's just there is still something that is tugging me from the inside. It's the longing to have a moment to myself. I pick him up, wrap him in his blanket, and we journey through the house to the couch where he anxiously gulps down his bottle. I cuddle him and burp him as he calmly looks around. Oh Lord! Please just let him go back to sleep! What do I do with a baby that is awake at six in the morning??

And then the dance begins. After he is all burped-out, I lay him back down. He is wide awake and tries to impress me by showing me that he can rollover. Oh the irony in that! I longed so much for the day that he could flip himself over and now that it comes, it can seem more like a challenge then an accomplishment. Once he gets to his back, he won't sleep and he doesn't know how to get back to his stomach. Oh the irony!!! He giggles and turns his head to watch his mobile as it plays out the familiar tune. Please just go back to sleep! Mama needs to sip her coffee in silence! Lord, I just want to spend some time with you!

In the end, he dozes off for an unknown amount of time. But as I'm doing my devotions and reading One Thousand Gifts it hits me. Why am I acting like I deserve this time alone? Why do I long for quiet mornings to myself? Why in the middle of the day, when Daniel is happily playing, do I long for him to just take a nap, so that I can have a moment to myself?

I'm selfish. You would think that I didn't want to have a child. But on the contrary, I have longed for these moments all my life. Having gone through that waiting period, hasn't made it any easier. If anything, it seems like it has made it harder because I grew accustomed to having "me time."

In the stillness of the morning, I sip my coffee and read and it seems like an indulgence. While these simple things are a good indulgence to have, sometimes I begin to covet them. Suddenly something that is a blessing from God, becomes a twisted unhealthy craving. I come to expect the time to myself and when I don't get it, I'm angered. Now that my life isn't mine anymore...

But then it dawns on me. This life has NEVER been mine. From the second that I turned it over to God many years ago, I have died to myself and now live for His glory. My selfish desire to have "me time" isn't a new thing that comes with being a mom. It is something that I have been struggling with for years. When God has asked me to do something and I push back saying no and listing a thousand reasons for why I can't or don't have time to do it, I'm being selfish.

Ok God. I get it. Thank you for the reality check and for showing me this. I close my book and decide that I need to write. That is when I jump on here and begin to blog.

As I type these words, the burdens fall off. I long for Daniel's coos again and realize that by embracing the life that God has given me, I can fully live. Why do I always seem to be longing for something? I can be given everything I desire and my selfish heart seems to always be asking for more. If I can open up my eyes and see the beauty in every single moment, won't I be that much happier?

Oh God, please give me eyes to see and ears that hear the blessings that you give all of us on a daily basis. Help me to remember that my life is not mine, and hasn't been mine for a long time, and that that isn't a bad thing! Help me to embrace every moment of every day. 

And, as I'm about to press enter and publish this post for the world to read, an exuberant coo comes from Daniel's room. This time, I'm excited and can't wait to see this cute face:

Thank you Lord. 

Today...

... Daniel sat and played by himself for at least 30 minutes. This is a victory in my book and I'm entirely grateful about it. I don't expect it to happen again :) 

... I received two packages (of things that I ordered). A huge treat. Especially because they contained the organic, raw cacao powder that I ordered. I'm psyched. 

... is a weird work day for the carpenter. Well a weird work month actually. He was in by 8:30 am and home by 1 pm and will head back to work around 6 pm until who knows. This is what happens when you get a job doing renovations at a restaurant. It will be an interesting month. I'm proud of him for landing the gig! 

... the dogs decided that Daniel's toy basket is their personal toy basket. Oy vey. Now what do I do? 

... I made homemade hot chocolate with the above mentioned cacao and almond milk, honey, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt. It was ok. I definitely need to tweak the recipe a bit. 

... Daniel's naps have been funky. Well, this isn't a today thing--it's been going on for about a week now. I'm not sure what is going on. As long as he continues to sleep at night though, I'm not going to worry about it! 

This morning...

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I have been awake since five o'clock this morning. I was dead asleep until I heard that faint cry over the baby monitor. You know the one. The one that makes a mama's heart leap and sleep suddenly evades you. I love this moment. Even though I don't really want to escape from my nice, warm bed, I do so with ease. My little boy needs food and I'm not going to keep him waiting--I've waited all my life for this moment.

The early morning quiet is like nothing else. I think I may be a morning person--once I'm up that is. The beauty of a waking world is never lost on me. When we are in the middle of nowhere, at our cabin, the mornings are my favorite time. I wake to the sound of the lapping water as it gently tugs at the shore side. I listen to the birds sing and the gentle breeze rustle the pine trees. The coffee begins to percolate and everything starts to slowly move. The sun casts beautiful colors across the sky and all I want to do is sit, watch, and wait for the moment that it breaks the horizon.

I love these types of mornings. After he goes back to sleep, his tummy full to the brim, I am able to enjoy the quiet and stillness of the early day. My man is asleep, the dogs are still curled up, and the coffee just tastes and smells so good. I sit and read and absorb the goodness of life. I listen to an occasional car swish past on their way to work. But mostly, I submerge myself in the silence. Thank you Lord.

January 1st, 2014

I couldn't find the original post, but I believe this is from this blog

2014. 

Here we go...a whole new year. I had to literally hand-write "January 1st, 2014" this morning, because I wanted to see what it looks like. I know that may seem strange, but when you put pen to paper, things seem to become more real. More tangible. I'm a very visual person. 2014 is officially here. 

Usually I take this day to look back on the goals that I had for the past year and come up with new ones for this coming year. But, looking back, I didn't have any goals from this past year. 

At the beginning of January 2013 I was a bit consumed by the fact that I was finally pregnant -- and didn't really take the time to make any goals. Instead, I tried to focus on enjoying every moment of my pregnancy. And focus I did. I absolutely loved being pregnant and cannot wait to be again! After the first trimester exhaustion (which really wasn't that bad), I felt like a new person. My energy levels were awesome and I felt really great physically and mentally. So, I guess my unmentioned goal was accomplished. 

So, for 2014 I think it is appropriate to give myself a few things to focus on. I am realizing, now more than ever, that being a mom is a huge task. Not only does it involve a big lifestyle adjustment, but it also involves a huge mental adjustment. Truly, I think I have handled both decently. But there is always room for improvement. 

I have a few goals in mind that focus on who I want to be as Daniel's mother and the lifestyle that I want him to know. I want him to grow up in a family that is active and healthy in many aspects of life. I want it to be second nature for him to pick up and read his Bible on a daily basis. I want him to enjoy healthy, whole foods. I want him to know exercise as a fun, everyday activity rather than a tedious, scheduled task. I also want him to know happy and patient parents who have a solid foundation in the Lord and a heart for helping those around them. 

Man, those seem like lofty ideas. 

But you know what, they really aren't. I have already experienced a complete attitude change since Daniel has been born. I have a new perspective on my life. While waiting for God's timing in becoming pregnant, God cultivated a patient and understanding heart in me. Honestly, I look back on those two years and see the fact that I really wasn't ready for a child. I was too selfish to have a child. 

As this year begins, I am going to continue to let God work in me. I hope to tackle my addiction to food. Gluttony is a sin--and I'm the number one offender. I also hope to become even more hopelessly reliant on God. He is the only thing my soul truly needs and I need to stop trying to fill that void with other things. Finally, I want to make my family my hobby. I want to get as much enjoyment out of taking care of my husband and son as I would sewing, decorating, or crocheting. 

So it's January 1st, 2014.

Here. we. go. 

Goodbye 2013. Hello 2014.

As we get ready to start 2014, I am reflecting back on all that 2013 had to offer. It has been a good year. A really good year.

We went from announcing that we were expecting, to finding out we were going to have a boy,  to going through his semi-stressful delivery (more on that some day), and finally, to spending five whole months with our beautiful blessing. It has been quite the year. It has been the best year.

Our first family picture. Blurry, but I love it. 

I'm looking forward to 2014 though. I think it could be the best year yet. Jonathan and I will celebrate four years of marriage and seven years of being together, Daniel will turn one, Jonathan is going to participate in a Tough Mudder, I'm dreaming up big plans that involve becoming a healthier version of myself, and who knows, maybe by the end of the year we will be expecting baby number two (a mom can hope can't she? ;) ).

All I know is that I'm ready to ring in a new year and a new chapter in our lives! 

Welcome 2014, it's nice to meet you!