Daniel: Week 11

My Dear Little Boy,

This week your mama is acutely aware of what a gift you are. I cannot stop thinking about the struggle I went through, emotionally, before I found out I was pregnant with you. There were days where I would be curled up on the couch and a complete emotional wreck. It was definitely an emotional battle that I fought constantly. I wouldn't allow myself to get my hopes up that He might change everything - just in case His plan was different than mine.

Oh little boy, I remember one afternoon in particular. I was working out on the treadmill and had some book in front of me. I think it might have been my Bible. I was looking through verses of God's promises and trying to focus on them as best I could. I was trying to distract myself from the discouragement I felt. I even had Glee on in the background - it used to be a surefire way to keep upbeat. I used to love to workout through their songs and dances. But as I continued to walk/run on that treadmill, I was overcome with amazing grief.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep fighting the negative feelings I had. I was tired. I was emotionally exhausted. At that point I collapsed to my knees, sobbing. I prayed over and over that God would please just take this burden from me. I begged that He would either bless us with a child or that He would take away my desire for a family. I just couldn't handle the in between anymore.

Little one, I'm here to tell you that God is good.

Through that time of trial, He made me strong. I am a much better mother today, because of everything I went through. I can look back and see clearly. I wasn't ready to be a mother yet. He is perfect in His timing.

This week I have been taking extra time to snuggle you. I love to kiss your sleeping face and stare into your exuberant eyes. Even in the midst of the times that I'm stressed out, because you won't stop fussing, I remember that you are my little miracle and blessing. I am so thankful for you. 

I want you to always know how much daddy and I love you. You have brought so much joy to our lives. Daniel, I also want you to know that God will always be there for you. Be patient as He teaches you lessons. Always keep your heart and eyes open for His grace and mercy. Never doubt that He is guiding you. He might not be doing exactly what you want Him to; but remember that He isn't ignoring you sweetheart. He is just doing everything in His perfect timing. He is Lord.

I love you my sweet boy.

Your Mama.