Post #30

Today, I want to start off on the right foot. It's Monday and I love knowing that I have my whole week ahead of me waiting to be filled with tasks. 

For me, it is a breath of fresh air. It means that I have a whole week to accomplish things at the house. A whole week to tackle that never ending to-do list. A whole week to make dinner for my husband. A whole week to pack. A whole, new week to work on my exercise routine. A whole, new week. 

Yet, in an effort to start off on the right foot, I have to share about my experience yesterday--I need to get it off my chest and start anew this morning.

I woke up in the morning and went about my usual Sunday morning routine. I was on my computer and perusing a few blogs of people that I don't know, but usually read, and I stumbled across a post where someone was announcing they were pregnant! How exciting! What a gift from God. Truly. A new little bundle of joy is always a blessing...always. 

But, with that announcement, my soul sunk. Deep inside of me I could feel an anxious and frustrated emotion start to bubble up. I wanted to squash it down, but this emotion doesn't go away that easily. Rather, it tears you up from the inside out. It gnaws at your every being and threatens to shake the foundation that you have been teetering on.  

It is the emotion that comes from years of doctors telling you that you probably won't be able to conceive. Their words taking away the possibility of the only thing that you have ever hoped for. It stings, when your only longing in life is to become a mom and you hear repetitively that you may not ever achieve that goal and that there is really nothing you can do about it. It's the emotion that beats you up until you have thrown up the white flag of surrender. It takes over so fast and so deeply that you question everything about who you are and become increasingly self conscious until you are only a fraction of what you used to be. It defeats you. 

The realization that it has been 16 months of Jonathan and I trying for a little one, with no success, hit me square between the eyes yesterday. It was all I could do to not throw my computer and burst into tears. I wanted to curl into a ball and sulk. Instead I sought the refuge of my husbands arms. He comforted me, held me, and reminded me that he was there to support me. 

But, please don't start feeling bad for me. Little did I know that God had allowed me to sink so low yesterday, so that He could build me back up and give me a stronger faith in Him. All day, Sunday, God was speaking to me. We headed to Sunday school and prepared for the new series that was to be taught. The focus? Prayer. We read verse after verse about how God answers our prayers. Matthew 7:7, Jeremiah 33:3, Job 22:27 and I was reminded of how weak my prayer life has been recently. Heck, who am I kidding, how weak it has been for years. 

Then, we headed to church. Little did I know that God would speak to me there too. Pastor Marc preached on the power of God to heal our community. But, his sermon spoke deep into my soul. Instead, I heard of God's promises in II Chronicles 7:14 where He says, 

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven,
and I will forgive their sin and heal their land." 

As I listened to Pastor Marc I felt God telling me that he could heal me. That He could change me, just like those who surround me. That HE is big enough for anything and everything. Why was I questioning His plans? 

Finally, Jonathan and I came home and decided to have a relaxing Sunday. We popped in a movie and curled up on the couch. I never expected that "Facing the Giants" a movie about football, a guy movie, a seemingly neutral and unemotional movie, would provoke both Jonathan and I to tears. Weaved throughout the movie is a tale of a husband and wife and their inabilities to conceive, though they had tried for four years. Finally, after the husband and wife give all of their concerns over to God, they find out they are pregnant. The movie ends with the father playing with a tiny toddling boy and the mother watching them, as the camera pans out showing that she is expecting their second. 

Needless to say, it seemed like all of yesterday, God was telling me to give all of my concerns to Him. He was calling me to start praying and trust that He could work miracles. I am realizing that I don't need to be a slave to my body's condition and rather, I need to be celebrating the fact that I have an awesome God who can overcome all of my body's inabilities. After all, He is the one who created me. 

I have to say, I am so glad that I serve a God who is much bigger than PCOS. He is not limited by a medical diagnosis. I just need to be bold enough to pray. I need to be bold enough to trust in His perfect timing. I need to be bold enough to let go of this burden and know that His, is light. 

So, this morning, I am starting off with a light burden. I'm praying. I am trusting. I am heading into this week knowing that God is with me. But I need something from all of you. Would you please pray for us? We would really appreciate it. Knowing that there is a group of people out there praying for our situation, would be such a blessing.