The other day I was making our bed and noticed the way that the sun was streaming in through our window. I instantly thought about taking a picture and posting it on here. The way that the sun was hitting our nicely made bed, seemed to make the perfect picture.

But here is the thing. This picture makes it look like our bedroom is clean and all put together. I could post this picture and give the impression that my world is clean and organized. I could let you assume that I have it all together. That one simple picture could make you think so many different things.

But there is so much more that you don't see.

You don't see the pile of laundry that is just behind the headboard--I just easily moved my camera to block it out. You don't see the stack of pregnancy clothes that is sitting in the corner, waiting to be put away (for almost 3 months now). You don't see the stack of dirty dishes sitting in my kitchen sink (and all over my counter). And you don't see this:

or this:

See, it is so easy for a picture to give the impression that everything is perfect. That a person has everything together. That, even during a chaotic time in life, such as having a newborn, one can seemingly hold it all together. Yet, that really isn't the case.

Having a baby--and, well, also having the propensity to constantly challenge my unhealthy habits--has made me realize that my type A personality and slight OCD are a heavy burden to carry. Having everything clean and orderly isn't necessarily a good thing and only gives the outward appearance of being in control.

Hear my out for a second.

As I was staring at the first scene above--the one where light is filtering in through the window and everything is seemingly "perfect"-- I realized that perfection is only 'skin deep' so to speak. When someone posts a picture on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, we only see what they want us to see. The perfectly smiling child or the well kept house might look a little different if we were to get a glimpse of the whole picture. That child might have just stopped screaming after an hour of being unsettled and that perfectly kept house, in reality, is just a calm corner in the midst of chaos. We need to realize that what seems like perfection, might not always be.

Even more so, we need to stop using these false glimpses as a standard for our own personal lives. Finding the beauty in our everyday activities should be our goal. Trust me, there is so much good around us, we just need to learn to be aware of it and see it. 

I tend to expect too much from myself. When I make this huge list of unrealistic goals, and then don't accomplish them, I get really frustrated and beat myself up about it. If things aren't 'perfect' I get mad at myself and the negative self talk starts.  If someone comes over to our house and every space isn't spotless, I am ashamed. I set my expectations so high, only to never achieve them.

This needs to STOP.

In short: NONE of the above is important.

Rather, I should be looking for the perfection and beauty in my day as it happens. I should be focusing on snuggling my beautiful boy and watching him learn and grow, instead of worry about how clean my house is or if the files on my computer are organized. He is only this young once.  I really don't want to look back and think that I missed something about the process of him growing up.

If I wait for everything to be perfect, trying as hard as I can to get there, I am going to miss a lot, and will probably never actually get there.

There are so many more important things in life. Having a clean house is not one of them...

Daniel: Week 11

My Dear Little Boy,

This week your mama is acutely aware of what a gift you are. I cannot stop thinking about the struggle I went through, emotionally, before I found out I was pregnant with you. There were days where I would be curled up on the couch and a complete emotional wreck. It was definitely an emotional battle that I fought constantly. I wouldn't allow myself to get my hopes up that He might change everything - just in case His plan was different than mine.

Oh little boy, I remember one afternoon in particular. I was working out on the treadmill and had some book in front of me. I think it might have been my Bible. I was looking through verses of God's promises and trying to focus on them as best I could. I was trying to distract myself from the discouragement I felt. I even had Glee on in the background - it used to be a surefire way to keep upbeat. I used to love to workout through their songs and dances. But as I continued to walk/run on that treadmill, I was overcome with amazing grief.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep fighting the negative feelings I had. I was tired. I was emotionally exhausted. At that point I collapsed to my knees, sobbing. I prayed over and over that God would please just take this burden from me. I begged that He would either bless us with a child or that He would take away my desire for a family. I just couldn't handle the in between anymore.

Little one, I'm here to tell you that God is good.

Through that time of trial, He made me strong. I am a much better mother today, because of everything I went through. I can look back and see clearly. I wasn't ready to be a mother yet. He is perfect in His timing.

This week I have been taking extra time to snuggle you. I love to kiss your sleeping face and stare into your exuberant eyes. Even in the midst of the times that I'm stressed out, because you won't stop fussing, I remember that you are my little miracle and blessing. I am so thankful for you. 

I want you to always know how much daddy and I love you. You have brought so much joy to our lives. Daniel, I also want you to know that God will always be there for you. Be patient as He teaches you lessons. Always keep your heart and eyes open for His grace and mercy. Never doubt that He is guiding you. He might not be doing exactly what you want Him to; but remember that He isn't ignoring you sweetheart. He is just doing everything in His perfect timing. He is Lord.

I love you my sweet boy.

Your Mama.

Apple Pie

Yesterday, I attempted my first semi-homemade pie. I made an apple pie. I used this recipe. It just felt right to make an apple pie during this time of year. It's common sense right?  I have a few things that I would change next time (and there will definitely be a next time). I'm going to record my changes here:

Make sure to peel the apples -- Don't be silly and assume that it will taste just as good with peels on. It won't. It will have a weird texture that sort of puts a damper on the taste. 

Double the topping -- I think this should just be a rule in life. The topping is always the best part and should thus, be doubled. 

You can use any kind of apple you'd like -- while granny smith apples might add a whole new dimension to the flavor, we used the ones we have from our backyard...not sure what kind they are, but they have a mild, not-too-sweet-not-too-tart, flavor.

Make a homemade crust -- I had some Pillsbury crust in the fridge that I needed to use up. While it tasted just fine with it, I think a homemade crust would truly round out this pie.  

And, I have to say, I probably won't count this as my first pie because the crust wasn't homemade. It was such an easy thing to make -- the filling that is -- and I feel like a real homemade pie should involve a homemade crust. Anyways, here's my notes for when I finally attempt my first homemade pie. 

Happy weekend!